Unknown Getaway

So I’m sitting here at an unknown spot to many people and finally feel that I have some time to write something on this almost abandoned blog.

I decided to take a personal trip just Friday to Sunday being away from my family. Maybe it’s selfish but honestly, at this point, I think I need it.

This place is wonderful…I did not regret that I accidentally booked it and chose not to cancel it. I wished it was my personal space where I could come and hide whenever I needed a break. Life had been crazy and many times I was at the brink of falling apart.

I pushed away people who cared and hid behind, not wanting to face reality. I’ve hurt some people’s feelings on the way and I selfishly didn’t care. I did not want to care. In some ways, I feel like such a horrible person.

I’m also back on my miracle morning routine - the 30-day challenge. I’m on my Day 5 and I have to admit that it’s been going well for my life. I can still up my game on the exercise part but …one step at a time, right? One Morning at a time in this case. I wake up 5 - 10 minutes before my alarm rings automatically anyway, I think that is the way my body/ my life telling me that I really need to get back to this good routine that I used to have before the death of J.

Talking about J, I bought myself a pair of sneakers last week…and why do I even bring up sneakers when we are mentioning J? Simply because in the past, J bought all my shoes…I know it’s funny, but I’m not exactly a shopper or a shoe lover…but on the other hand, he is. He used to love picking up sneakers for me and I would always tell him that my sneakers are still in good condition so don’t buy new ones for me. So my last pair that I have just replaced were probably 7 years old or more. I’ve picked up a new Puma ones…grey and light pink. I’m loving it so far. It is weird how things like that mean something to me.

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All of a sudden I go blank.

Do I want to go back to my country? I don’t know. or maybe I know, but I’m afraid that it will be the wrong choice so I rather say I don’t know. I don’t trust my own decision right now because I’m doing many things that are a little out of the norm. Am I happy? Part of me yes. Happy at the moment…I allow myself to accept other people’s love. However, I do think that it is unfair in so many ways because I am unwilling to commit. I’m sorry.

Today I’ll spend time with myself. Doing whatever I want and focusing on how I feel. Later I will meet a friend and have a good time. This friendship is a weird one because there’s on and off attraction or it feels like there was. Sometimes there were hints of more but we always leave it as it is. I am not looking to extend it but I would like to meet. Sometimes things can just fall where they should be after the meeting so I guess this is what my goal is for the meeting. Have a good time with someone who seems to understand.

Not sure how my day would end up but I’m here writing and thinking it will be a memorable trip for me - to just destress and let go for a while.

XOXO