Direction

So i guess I’ve decided where I’ll be heading to and boy was that hard to decide.

The emotional ups and downs are no joke, still there are days when I would really prefer to have NO ONE by my side, I just want to be alone. I cut off some people as well, sorry, I hope it wasn’t anything that would devastate your life with me disappearing.

I’m planning on a surprise trip for my kids. While I am excited to be bringing both of them to WDW but I’m also a little stress out or worried about handling both by myself. Sometimes I tell myself that I can handle it all, which I do, but at the end of the day I get so tired and cranky. I guess that’s my life right now.

M had been very patient with me but that was always what we had throughout the years as just friends. There are days when I selfishly hope to find someone else because the thought of being with him makes me worry that “what if” it doesn’t work out and I will loose a friend like him that really understands and can be so patient with me.

My parents always indirectly hint that I’m being ‘mean’ to him…as in everyone sees how much he gives in to me. I don’t think I’m a unreasonable person but I will also admit that he does really let me be on a daily basis. I am grateful and it is undeniable that we share a deeper understanding for both but I’m also sometimes stuck with the pattern of only looking for a partner from outside and NOT someone I have known for years. I don’t know why… I don’t date people I already know. However, at this stage in my life, dating seems tiring … getting to know a person all over again and adjusting to another person feels so much like work on top of all my other responsibilities. So, I don’t want that either.

I guess that’s life for me - I yearn for companionship but I fear commitment. I want to rely on someone but I’m also afraid of doing so. There are days when I would just sit and think about why but today, I think, I’ll just let it be. It is what it is, this is the me these days…