Cooling period
It has been months since my last entry and it has been more than clear that my emotional state had been like a roller coaster ride during these few months.
Despite how or what I think about Y, I have decided that I will NOT move forward. I’ve been on several other dates and its been decent but tiring. Safe to say that grief is such a ‘wonderful’ thing to live with…there are days when I feel like I’m all good and ready to restart but just like today, I was sitting in the old room (I’m in the process of moving to a different place), was looking at the room and a sudden wave of emotions came and I felt horrible. It sucks…It hurts and I cried.
The rest of the day was in a similar state, I went down that rabbit hole of memories and sobbed again. The wedding album that we never looked at since we got them so many years ago was opened up today ….why? you might as me why…I don’t know…I wanted to drown in my sorrows and sadness I guess.
I’ve never took the time to mention but M (a friend that I’ve known since college years and obviously we did liked each other and for years we remained as close friends although secretly we both cared a little more than just friends) wanted a chance with me. He knows me and understands me, but I’m afraid of stepping into a relationship with him because of several reasons:-
What if it didn’t work out and we can’t even be friends?
What if I’m not going to move back to my country? How will this relationship even work? LDR is not something that I look forward to either
I really don’t want to get married again (at least at this point, that’s my thoughts on marriage) BUT, I’m afraid that he might want to or his family might hope that for him
I don’t want to have kids anymore, and I feel like his family or he might want to eventually
I’ve agreed to step into this relationship but I have my doubts. We definitely can be best friends in life but its hard to adjust the roles we were playing for that many years. My mom kept remind me what is important is to find someone that understands you and can walk down this path of life with you till the end. Why find a complete stranger to learn and relearn or understand that person all over again, why not look at the person who really knows you already.
I imagine the life with him and I’m ok with that, except I don’t want to marry him or anyone. Maybe I’m selfish, but I don’t want to…at least at this moment, I feel like I will never want to. I want a companion but I don’t want to commit to it on paper. Maybe I’m afraid of losing someone all over again, I feel a slight ‘distance’ is a safe spot for me.
So, here we are, in a ‘relationship’ or at least the goal is to…with both of us separated by the ocean. Is that realistic? probably not. Can it work? probably yes. Do I want it? maybe …
At the mean time, I have others showing interest towards me. Most of them, when I dig deep, I have no interest in them. KC - 4 years younger than I am gave me comfort that I needed but I do wonder what is he seeking from me. If he is just looking for a short term companionship, maybe I can give….since I’m getting something out of it too….I don’t know. I feel like I’ve become more selfish in terms of trying to get my own need satisfied, but again, I am not taking things for granted either. I do give as well…I just don’t want anything long term anymore or to be more accurate, I’m afraid of anything long term at this point.