I’m ok…

Have you ever found yourself saying this over and over again that you are ok? like who are you trying to convince? the others or yourself?

Was there something to talk about? I don’t even know…why or what happened that causes me to be emotional? I don’t even know if I have an exact reason or excuse for it all…It could be the weather, it could be my music playlist that I have been repeating and it could also be something that is so mundane that I might not even realized had triggered it all…

I went down that rabbit hole when I type up “Widow” on the youtube search bar…

Now there’s tons of videos and one caught my attention, “Top 3 complaints your new lover has when dating a widow” so yea, I clicked on it.

Needless to say, my mood went down …I started to question myself, am I doing all of the above…KC texted to check what am I doing…If I can be honest, he was busy today and I felt a little neglected which I don’t expect him to do anything either…But I just felt down. I told him I’m watching videos on youtube, he asked what am I watching …. I could easily just lie about what I watched and I’m sure we could just end the day normally. But I decided to say “you don’t have to know”.

I know, he started questioning and it came down to him video calling me…I was ok, I told him I’m ok…I only asked him if I bring up J a lot? He say he wouldn’t say ALOT but I do…and sometimes I just straight up say my husband instead of my late husband…he say its not like he is going to crucify me for that but yea…I do…He say I just never say I miss him…and there goes my tears…

I miss him…some days more than the other…how could I not miss him…

I see our picture of us celebrating our first born…I kept it in our room but should I?

If KC were to come over, wouldn’t it be uncomfortable for him? I think it would be.

My playlist were playing - Are you ok?

Like are you kidding me? at this moment? and the next song was : Honest…

hmm..is the universe telling me something with KC telling me that I need to talk about it…talk to him about it…

And the song goes:

“But if i’m being honest,

I’m not being honest,

I’ll give you roses just hopin’ you don’t see the weeds in my garden…”

I think I’m slightly broken today…

I’m sorry KC…didn’t mean for that to happen for you tonight…