Entering October

We are officially in Fall Season…

I used to always laugh at J for taking pictures while he is driving, pictures of the scenery…like, why would you take the picture because they don’t ever look as pretty as you see it through your own eyes… its taking up all the space in your phone and doesn’t really serves a purpose…

But just the other day, while driving back to the house, I saw this beautiful fall scene unveil itself in front of me and at that moment, I wanted to take my phone out and take a picture of it. Yes, I laughed at myself, laughed at the thought of it…I guess these bits and pieces of J will always sneak in unannounced.

I’ve been dreading Nov & Dec. I don’t know how I would be. I would like to think that I’ll be fine and I’ll be able to handle it but a part of me fear the day…I don’t want to feel like I’m at the bottom of the world again and I’m drowning…not when I feel like I am able to float lately.

I’ve also been wanting to be selfish. Meaning that I want to have someone but also I don’t want to commit.

Or maybe that is not accurate, I don’t want something that might become permanent. At least the thought of maybe forever is scary for me. I want it to be someone that I have and enjoy but I’m also conflicted when I see myself having no ‘reason’ to breakup with that person. I’m looking for all the ‘reasons’ to maybe eventually say “This ain’t working for me, let’s breakup.”

I know that is mean and selfish and absolutely hurtful…but, if the person is considering marriage at the end…umm, I’m not seeing it. I just can’t see it happening.

Will I be sad and lonely? I think I’ll be ok. Look at my mom, she is perfectly fine by herself. Enjoying life and time with friends, traveling and experiencing everything. I have kids, they can be my family and I think that’s good. Now all I need is to be able to earn enough money to support myself and my family. If I find someone that is willing to just have a good time with me without asking for a commitment (but has to be exclusive) I think I’ll consider…maybe…I don’t know.

So maybe…everyone should stay away from me…or else you might just burn with me.