Make a Decision
I’ve been contemplating about a lot of things in my life…my decisions and where am I heading to…
Focusing so much on my future that I think I lost track in the present and lost track in finding and enjoying the present joy.
What IF there’s no tomorrow? Shouldn’t I at least enjoy this moment right now?
Have I not learned my lesson with J? We were thinking so much about building our future together and I lost him…all the things we wanted to do and places we wanted to go is GONE. And, we didn’t even really spend the time that I’ve always wanted together because we kept thinking that we will have time.
TIME is an illusion at this point, you can’t see or touch but you know or believe or was taught to believe that it is there. Rushing us and ushering us to do something because we might run out of time…reminding us to build the ‘future’ that we have in mind …but who knows when the time will “stop’ for me or you …
I get so conflicted over what I should do or decide now because I focused on what this decision might cause in the future…the ripple effect of my current decision….so much that I feel conflicted and paralyzed at times because I wanted my picture perfect future or at least as close as possible to what I’ve always envisioned.
So what if this ‘relationship’ with Y goes no where? What if this is just my temporary solution or stop? What if both Y and me could find comfort in it during this stage in our life? does it matter that it will not flourished into the future I want? Who knows? and does it matter? to who?
No one is worth for me to get all upset over or bothered…
I think that one person that deserved all my heart and soul was J…he gave me the equal love…I never had to wonder and I was never doubting his love for me because he was sure to show them. I can’t and should not look for someone to replace J because I will never be able to find anyone that can replace him…i just can’t. J is just J…I am lucky to have found him this life time.
So today I will go to my second date with Y and I will keep in mind that I shall just enjoy the moment while I’m there and then leave it behind without expectations. If it continues to build, good, if it doesn’t, that’s what it is meant to be. I have enjoyed a few hours of feeling like a woman, and that is good enough.
Sigh…why do I have to go through all these feeling of uncertain all over again…