Numb

Its such a strange thing to feel ok one moment and then feel that pain the next…

I’m struggling to decide what to do for Christmas.

A part of me want to get out of here and be away with someone but a part of me wanted to also just stay and be alone. I honestly don’t know what is better for my mental health.

To stay is to risk me wallowing in my potential grief and sorrow, but it might also bring me peace just to pause and not do much. Pause also means I’ll have time to feel things, think about memories which I don’t know how deep is the rabbit hole going to be.

To leave is to have me potentially exhausted from driving and entertaining everyone, or maybe having the aftermath when everything needs to return to its normal state.

Is it selfish to want to just disappear by myself just for a few days? pretending that I am not a mom, not a widow and not someone who is grieving? There are days that I wished I could pack my bags and just go somewhere alone and just try to be like ‘alone’.

Ugh, these emotions, I think is messing me up inside. Since when do I wait for someone’s text desperately? That’s SO not me…and honestly what do I even want or see in this person? I know how I’m responding and behaving is affecting people around me, and in a way, I could care less… I’m sorry, but not really, I don’t want to deal with your emotions when I have so much to deal with…

Maybe I’m cold, that’s what someone said to me, but I feel like you have yet to meet the really cold me…so don’t complain. Being cold feels much easier than caring too much for others…I think, at this point, I just want to be selfish.

Maybe 1 or 2 years from now, when I read this again, I’ll feel mighty guilty about these things and people that happen to be in my life right at this moment…maybe. The heart does ache, it does feel, but I don’t want it to…I want to feel numb, at least for now.