Self Worth

Here I am back at this blog site of mine because where else could I possibly spill all the uncertainty inside of my head 🤷🏻‍♀️

I survived my first Mother’s Day without J around. I was expecting a lot of sadness but surprisingly, I managed. What does that say about me? NOTHING. I have moments/days that I feel like I’m drowning and days where I feel like I’m able to float on the surface of the deep ocean. When I float, I feel grateful that I can move on and maybe arrive at a safe destination - that’s all I’m hoping for.

Waking up on my side of the bed every morning is still a painful reminder that J is not coming home. I was scrolling through the Plex for a movie to watch last night while folding the laundry, and we went through the library and spotted “Love Hard”. My DD said to me, “Love Hard” was pretty nice to watch. At that moment, my heart sank, not that it wasn’t a nice movie but I had this association of the movie with J, that day and that time when we watched it without him (He was in the hospital). I was texting him, telling him it was a funny movie etc and he was in the hospital watching parts of “John Wick”. We texted back and forth about how we liked Keanu Reeves etc….It was Christmas Eve and he wasn’t able to come home. I was sad, depressed, emotional, but trying to hold it all together and still hanging on that thread of hope that J will come home soon.

I kept asking him to take it step by step, be safe, and I need him…I can’t do this alone.

I was desperate.

If anyone could pry into my thoughts and heart…you would see how hysterically upset and mess I was. It feels like I’m trapping myself in a bottle - screaming, crying, feeling complete hopeless and wished I could just end myself in this bottle. But then I had to bottle it up and put it away so that I am functional in front of my kids.

I don’t run into the bathroom and cry that often anymore.

The last time I cried and stayed in bed for hours was on J’s birthday. I felt like I was ripped apart from inside out.

Now, if I look at what is going on with Y…honestly, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to find someone to fill in that big gap for the time being. I don’t want just anyone because I am an emotional human being, I wanted to “love” or at least pretend that I can “love”. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

NOTHING make sense these days…Maybe it is my way of finding my self worth.

A moment of clarity here - I think I hit the jackpot.

I’m in this messy mental state that I am trying to find men to validate my own self worth.

This is depressing.