What is this?

I’ve been communicating with Y and we have met and gone on a date together.

What is this? I really don’t know. Do I really want to be in this situation? I don’t know either.

The first date was great, we talked we hang out like we are close, because in a way we are. It feels nice to ‘pretend’ that I have someone.

The confusing part is that he is doing everything that makes me feel like he is being serious but yet there are clear signs of hesitation when it comes to a certain topic (especially when I hint about being clear with whatever this is).

I don’t think I’m actually ready to call someone “darling” like what I used to call J, I couldn’t get myself to say that even up until now. I think that is a clear sign that I am not really sure if I want a serious relationship either. But can I really handle the casual relationship of having someone that accompanies me? I don’t know, I would like to think that I can but I will really have to monitor my own emotions.

I am not needy, I am not a dependent person in a relationship but I do crave the closeness I have with someone. When I accept someone, I do tend to give it all, so this will be …I don’t know.

I miss my husband, I miss what we have/ had, and I honestly don’t think anyone else could come close to that.

Recently I read an article from Anjali Pinto where she talks about her having her sexual desires after becoming a young widow and how she took it as her pathway to recovery or it has become her journey in grieving. Her article struck a chord with me, not that I’m proud of myself for admitting that but if I can be completely honest with myself, my body is longing for touch. I am not hoping for multiple partners just to satisfy my needs and I am also fearful of falling too deep emotionally because….can we really separate our emotions and sex? Will I be able to remove myself if I see that the other party is not going to commit?

Now I also question myself if I even want to commit? Not really either. I don’t think I’m there emotionally.

So this is the confusing part of my mental state.

Y replied: Nope. Honest Answer. I want the person I have sex with to be a person that I enjoy hanging out etc as well…Like a partner.

That was his answer to my question: I need to know if that is all you are looking for (physical)…

I told him that I just needed to know because I can deal with it and figure out how to manage my emotions if needed and figure out if it’s something that I can handle or if I should get myself out.

His answer? Got it.

SO yea, I think despite him showing all signs that he is interested in more than just the physical side of this relationship, I don’t think he is ready to commit either.